Thursday, April 7, 2016

Guilt

Ugh...  Lately I have been dealing with such guilt.  I think about it every night before I go to bed (it keeps me up) and it is one of the first things to cross my mind when I get up in the morning.
I'm talking about working mom guilt.

Growing up, my mom was a stay at home mom.  It was wonderful knowing that no matter how bad my school day was or that if I wasn't feeling well, my mom was always going to be there when I walked through the door to take care of me.  I can remember once when we were in the process of moving, my parents put us kids in daycare for ONE day to go house shopping.  The memories still haunt me for life- it was AWFUL (not really, truly awful- we were spoiled).  It was a good lesson in just how good we had it - a mom who literally had snacks ready and waiting for us as we walked off the school bus and a wonderful dinner on the table every night.  I always assumed I would have the same set up for my children.

As luck/situation would have it though, I have career.  Not just any career either.  I have a career that I love and dare say, I am good at.  It has afforded me the opportunity to travel the world, continuously learn, and has funded making other dreams come true- ie. having children/going through IVF.  Do I want to give it up, no.  But, I also want to be the best mom that I can be and not feel guilty about the mom that I was later in life.

To this point, we have had the girls in a wonderful daycare.  I toured tons of facilities and also really thought about hiring a full-time nanny.  In the end, daycare won out and we have been thrilled to date with the "quality of service".  The girls seem to love it there and have learned so much.  But, I still have this nagging feeling that they are missing out by not getting day-to-day care by their mommy or daddy.








When the girls were first born, I took 3.5 month off of work to care for them (and I truly did not work- I devoted all my time and attention to them).










After that time, Eric took 2 months off to care for the girls; something pretty unheard of in the US, but a time that he relished.



My takeaway from that time at home was that I really love and missed work.  Now though, the girls are doing so much and changing every day.  I feel like I am missing so much- yesterday Noelle started waving and wanting to wash herself in the bath all in the same day. It doesn't help that they are also going through separation anxiety and cry whenever I leave them at daycare.  Just this morning, I dropped them off and kissed them goodbye and had to turn and close the door on them as they both were crawling toward me crying.  Cut to me tearing up on my way to work.  It is just so hard and I wonder, does it get any easier?

I feel like I have to figure something out, but I have no idea what that something is.  I do know that I cannot go on with this constant guilt.  Something has to give.  Lately in the news, there have been all these statistics published about successful individuals being raised by parents who both work.  My takeaway is that yeah, they may be successful, but on the other hand are these successful people angry or bitter toward their parents? Even more, do their parent regret raising their children this way?

For now, I think that I will stay put and wait for a sign to propel me in one direction or another (winning the lottery for instance, would be a welcome sign that I should be a stay at home mom).  Being a parent is tough on so many levels, but at the same time, I am so thrilled that these are my stresses.  Two years ago, my stress was the thought of never having children to have these worries about, and now I have two perfect girls!

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