Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Big "I"

I wish that "the Big I" was a fun and exciting word, but in our world, the big I refers to INFERTILITY.  Ugh...

Everyone has big dreams for their life.  Some want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, others want fame, for me, my big dream has always been to be a Mom.  You see, I am the girl who lived for babysitting and literally fell in love with every child I watched.  I would also wish on a star every night as a little girl that someone would leave a baby in a basket on our front porch so that I could help take care of him/her.  It is funny that sometimes the things that you want the most in life are hardest to achieve.  

I have debated writing this post for months thinking "do I really want the world to know about this?", but then decided that putting my one wish out in the world and talking about it may be just what it needs to come true.  So, although it makes me incredibly nervous to put it out there, I feel I must.  I also noticed how little Infertility is discussed and realized that there are probably many woman out there going through just what I am, and that reading this may make them feel a little less alone.  Here it goes:

Eric and I got married in September 2012 and knowing that we both wanted children and that somewhere in the pit of my stomach I felt that achieving our goal of parenthood would be fight, we secretly started trying to get pregnant on our honeymoon.  After one year of temperature tracking and hundreds of dollars spent in ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests, it was time to consult the doctor.  So, in September 2013, we had our first consultation with my primary care physician and started a battery of tests: sperm analysis, blood work at intervals throughout the month, ultrasounds and "surgical x-rays".  It was quite an interesting/stressful couple of months.  At our  Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) x-ray, Eric was able to go with me because for me, this was the most stressful of the tests.  First, I was told that it would hurt a bit (it wasn't too bad- don't worry) and second, it was an instantaneous way to tell if my fallopian tubes were blocked and if they were, it would mean that we would never get pregnant naturally.  That wasn't news that I was prepared to possibly receive by myself.  I never had to though, as after three tries at dye insertion and x-rays (the Radiologist went on to say that my procedure was the most difficult he had ever performed), we watched my uterus and fallopian tubes light up perfectly.  We actually all started cheering in the room because it was such a process, but looked wonderful when it worked.  With that procedure done, we were informed that "nothing was wrong with either one of us".  Our diagnosis- "unexplained infertility".  

You would think that "unexplained infertility" would be great news and don't get me wrong, ultimately it is.  However, in this situation, you kind of want to know that something wrong and start to work to fix it.  We were also told that many times HSG x-rays can be a treatment so maybe that next ovulation cycle would be the successful one.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  

At this point, Eric and I decided to sit down and discuss.  We had already taken measures to increase our fertility- limit alcohol consumption, attempt to limit our stress, no caffeine, no hot showers, etc, etc... Now, it was time to talk about how to move forward; what are we willing to do to get pregnant?  It is still an open item of discussion for us.  Basically, we have decided to step back for a bit while still trying naturally.  We did decide that my taking Clomid for three months wouldn't hurt, so we have already tried one month of that without luck, but here's hoping.  I just keep having to take deep calming breaths and remind myself that what is meant to be, will be.  We will just have to see what next year brings.  Basically, it is a time for faith.

So, there you have it.  Blogs can be so deceiving in that you only see what people are willing to share. Although we are some crazy DIY loving, chicken owning, green living, happy people, there is more to our story and we are dealing with things like everyone else is.  People always comment about how "together and organized" I am and trust me, that will not change.  I am not one to wallow in my misery or stop trying.   Just know that we are fighting a battle over here and in my mind, there is no better way to face a challenge than to be prepared, remain calm and surround yourself with support.  So, here I am asking the blog world for your support.

Please keep us in your prayers as we continue our journey.  We will keep you posted on our progress.

If you are going through this yourself my heart aches for you, but know that you are not alone.  


  1. Missy I love that you wrote this, there are so many struggles that people don't always put "out there" and I am so glad that you did. We love you and you will be a Mommy!

  2. Always thinking of you guys! **hugs**